“To be wronged is nothing, unless you continue to remember it.” – Confucius
Adrian and Tom share the difficulty of forgiveness and tom shares his thought about the “grudge gene”. and Adrian distinguishes between forgiving and forgetting. He shares his experience is going down the path of forgiveness.
Tom shares his difficulties finding forgiveness and offering it an ex who hasn’t sought it.
Adrian expresses his belief that acknowledgment of having done something wrong in order to gain the benefits of forgiveness. He points out that the anger that comes for a difference of perspective or goals isn’t necessarily a wrong- but may require forgiveness anyway as a means or method of moving on.
Tom asks if acceptance and forgiveness are the same thing. Adrian advocates for an intellectual and emotional acceptance. Tom reflects on the meaning and pain of nostalgia. Adrian reminds us that the surrender of anger as being the first sign that you are moving on. Tom identifies grace as providing the clarity of moving on.
Adrian tells of looking for results form forgiveness and trying to find a process for forgiveness. Tom asks if one is looking to forgive oneself through these efforts. Adrian and Tom discuss the loop that occurs from not being able to forgive yourself for transgressions against others and the ability to stop repeating the same self-damaging mistakes and taking responsibility for your own mistakes to get closure.
Tom Discusses “backsliding” and the importance forgiving oneself in order to recover and get back on the right path. He reflects on episode 8 and how obsessing over the past prevents moving on. Tom also discusses the value of using presence to get yourself out of your own head.
Adrian reflects on the importance of being aware of his own emotional state and using that as a means embracing how ephemeral those emotional states really are and how they pass.
Tom tells a story of caring for his child and understanding how truly ephemeral emotional episodes really last and how that can help to see the end of it and looking for cues that help you come out of a tough spot. He also shares data regarding smiling scheduling a trip as a means of changing your mood just one of the 60 tips available in the free e-book on over divorce.com
A transcript can be found here.