Sex and divorce

Tantric Sex As A Tool For Coping With Divorce

Tantric Sex and Coping With Divorce

Managing your sex drive is an important part of coping with divorce. August joins the show to talk about sex. She is a certified Reiki practitioner and has studied Tantra for over 20 years. On this episode of the podcast she talks about masturbation, sexual energy and taboos around sex.  During the show we talk about:

  • What tantric sex is.
  • How masturbation develops your sex muscle.
  • Whether or not you should masturbate.
  • How masturbation can lead to shame for young men.
  • What women want most out of a sexual experience.
  • Sexual Kung Fu and the redistribution of sexual energy.
  • Find out the difference between orgasms and ejaculation.
  • Learn about the “job” of tantric practice.

You can find out more about August her experience and practice at http://sensualhealingarts.wordpress.com/

Coping With Shame

This is a great Ted Talk. Brene Brown discusses her research into shame and touches on some very fine points that are truly helpful in any effort to cope with a divorce.

We deal with shame a lot during divorce. Thoughts of guilt and shame distract us from our careers and the task of putting our lives back together.

Ms. Brown’s research shows that it’s helpful to distinguish those two emotions when we find ourselves caught up in a whirlwind of self-inflicted insults and distress.

There’s good news- confronting shame and vulnerability are keys in breaking through to new levels of success and creativity. Her research suggests that you really can’t innovate effectively without being vulnerable to shame-and knowing how to manage it.

Effectively managing shame seems to be through empathy, forgiveness and perseverance. Easy prescriptions that are challenging to fill. Still, it’s obvious that the rewards of doing so are highly enriching.

Tools for getting through divorce.

Tools To Help Co-Parenting During and After Divorce

Jai Kissoon joins the OverDivorce podcast; he is the CEO and president of Our Family Wizard a leading co-parenting tool.  His company provides resources to help families deal with all the stress around scheduling and communicating during divorce. They have some cool tools to help manage kids’ schedules, visitation times, calendaring and messaging systems. Jai talks about:

  • How online tools can help you communicate with your ex.
  • Technology that allows you to manage time with your children when going through a divorce.
  • The importance of having a good system to document correspondence and bills.
  • How to avoid some of the biggest challenges with communicating with your ex-wife during divorce.
  • Some common mistakes that divorcing parents make when going through a divorce.
  • The importance of getting peace with your ex.
  • Some best practices for scheduling time with your kids.

Here is the link from Working Mothers about Our Family Wizard:

You can find out more about Our Family Wizard here:

You can email them at: info@ourfamilywizard.com

Follow them on Twitter: @OurFamilyWizard

Their phone number is: (866) 755-9991

John McElhenney How To Survive A Divorce In A Positive Way

Coping With Divorce in a Positive Way With John McElhenney

Coping With Divorce in a Positive Way

John McElhenney joined us to talk about how he was able to develop a positive perspective while he was going through his divorce. John is a single dad who lives and writes in Austin, Texas. John is also the Divorce editor of The Good Men Project and is a contributing writer for the Huffington Post. During the show we talk about:

  • John’s epiphany that radically changed his thoughts about being a father in a positive way.
  • How he got clarity about making decisions during his divorce.
  • His realization about becoming a “Whole Parent” and the most important thing that he did to become one.
  • How John processed his emotions while going through his divorce so that negative thoughts wouldn’t impact his kids.
  • Learn John’s mental “Judo move” that changed his mind set about his divorce.
  • How your kids view what you are doing during your divorce and how that will impact their lives.
  • How he talked to his kids about some of the good things that came out of his divorce for him and his ex-wife.
  • John talks about how his parents’ divorce impacted him on how he was going to handle his own divorce.
  • How writing and journaling helps you get perspective on your thoughts and relieves some of the depression that comes with divorce.
  • How he was able to grieve during his divorce.
  • 3 things that John did so that he could cope with his divorce. These are techniques that John used to keep him distracted and let him have fun.

John recommends Brene Brown’s book Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

Another good book to check out is Iron John: A Book About Menby Robert Bly

Learn about the benefits of journaling here

We also recommend watching Boyhood.

John has published several books of poetry, his most recent book Impossible Love Poems: Love, Loss, Rebuilding, Recovery, Divorce, Dating, & Hoping for Love Again. He also wrote The Twitter Way – Book One / LIFE: Twitter As A Way of Enlightenment a whimsical look at social media. He makes his living writing social media strategies (uber.la) for small businesses.

Make sure to follow him on twitter @wholeparent

You can also check out his Facebook page www.facebook.com/wholeparent

Scott Lopez Interview on Mental Toughness and Divorce Coping Skills

Scott Lopez: Mental Toughness And Coping With Divorce -Over Divorce Podcast

Scott Lopez Discusses Mental Toughness And Coping With Divorce

Scott Lopez is a former Marine Corps Officer and fighter pilot, has MBA in International Management, and is highly competitive Brazilian Jiu Jitsu athlete.  Scott has been divorced twice and shares his insight on how he was able to develop a strong mental outlook to help him get through both his divorces.

Scott provides great advice on coping with divorce by talking about:

  • How your thoughts are at the pinnacle of who you are and how they control your emotions and behavior.
  • How to take responsibility of your actions during your divorce so that you are more empowered.
  • The importance of being prepared for the divorce process.
  • The value of expanding your social circle and how friends enrich your life during and after your divorce.
  • How to make progress in your life by developing your competencies: Knowledge, Skills and Attitude
  • The process of thought patterns. How thoughts lead to emotions, which lead to actions, which lead to results, which lead to new thoughts.
  • Scott discusses his formula of success which include:
    • The importance of having a long term vision for your life.
    • The need to have an action plan to take you in the direction that you want to go.
    • The ability to be tenacious and to persevere.
    • The requirement to always be learning and be open to new ideas.
  • How being accountable for your actions can accelerate your growth.

Scott recommended The Work of Byron Katie, which can be found at: http://www.thework.com

Scott lives in California where he raises his two daughters half of the time. He now coaches individuals and business executives how to develop mental toughness to think better, perform better, and increase earnings and profits.

You can find out more about Scott at www.SuccessWithScott.com

You can check out his Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/ascendingmentaltoughness/

 

How divorce settlements work

The Truth About Divorce Settlements- The Over Divorce Podcast With Dan Burley

The Truth About Divorce Settlements

Dan Burley from Divorce Wealth talks about the impact that legal precedence has on divorce. He talks about his divorce support group and reveals some interesting little known facts about divorce settlements. You’ll learn about:

  • The dirty truth of divorce settlements.
  • The secret of how statistics can predict your divorce settlement.
  • How legal precedence determines the outcome of your divorce.
  • A cool online support and mentoring network to help you get through your divorce.
  • The high divorce rate for emergency service workers and struggles they go through.

You can find out more about Dan and Divorce Wealth by clicking the links below:

The website is: http://www.divorcewealth.com/

Follow on Twitter: @DivorceWealth

Check out his Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Divorce-Wealth/105643392906963

 

Bryan Reeves speaks with the Over Divorce guys about dealing with divorce.

Turning Your Hard Times Into Gold- The Over Divorce Podcast With Bryan Reeves

Author, speaker and life coach, Bryan Reeves joins the Over Divorce Podcast. A former US Air Force Captain, Bryan is now an internationally renowned author and regular contributor to websites such as The Good Men Project, The Daily Love, Elephant Journal and more. Bryan also offers private and group coaching and teaches mindfulness through his non-profit organization, The Center for Mindful Education. Bryan discusses sexual energy and pitfalls that come with it. He talks about:

  • How to get perspective on your life by taking his 30 Day No Sex Challenge.
  • He explores the relationship between shame and sexuality.
  • He discusses his own divorce and the perils that came with it.
  • How he was able to break his addiction of getting his self-worth from women.
  • The importance of gaining personal power by not needing external validation in order to be complete.
  • The dangers of getting your identity exclusively from external sources especially your job and women.
  • The 3 types of love experiences and the importance of gaining perspective on each one.

If you are going through a divorce, you might want to check out some of the books that we talked about on the show:

The Sex, Flirting, Dating, Hunting and Hoping Diet: Give Up The Insanity and Get Your Life Back – By Bryan Reeves

The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari: A Fable About Fulfilling Your Dreams & Reaching Your Destiny – By Robin Sharma

Siddhartha – By Herman Hess

You can find more about Bryan at: www.bryanreeves.com and you can follow him on Twitter @bryishere

We are dedicated to providing divorce care by having great information you can use before, during and after your divorce. If you are going through a divorce, please let us know any topics that you would like us to cover. We can be reached at podcast@OverDivorce.com. We would love to hear from you!

Talking to your adolescence about divorce.

Managing Adolescents The Over Divorce Podcast

In this episode of the over divorce podcast Tom and Adrian join guest Bob Bilsker and discuss the difficulties associated with managing adolescents and custody time-sharing. While divorce is tough on all parties, older kids can be especially challenging-tougher still is the hand off between parents. Expert and divorce coach Bob Bilsker says divorce doesn’t have to be devastating for kids. He goes over some useful ways to manage some of the more difficult issues facing teenagers, and what kids need and don’t need to know when their parents decide to split.

Communication techniques and parenting plans are discussed as are some of the differences that occur in different age groups. Bob also discuss the importance of parents staying neutral relative to each other and the some good places to hand off the kids in a neutral zone. The podcast reviews the importance of one-on-one time with kids especially in multi-child families. Bilsker also discusses how to manage an incommunicative kid who is concerned about adding to the stress of the divorce proceedings. In the absence of communication, sometimes lawyers are the only option and that presents additional risks. The show also reviews the importance of staying in contact with the kids and and their extracurricular activities and the red-flags of changing friends and crashing grades This episode is brought to you by certified divorce coach.com

Dating after divorce coach

Kezia Noble Dating After Divorce Expert On The Over Divorce Podcast

Dating After Divorce

Kezia Noble is an internationally renowned attraction and dating expert for men and is our guest on this episode of the Over Divorce podcast. Kezia points out that she’s not a “pickup artist” and distinguishes herself by focusing on the individual’s natural, authentic style.
Kezia discusses the most common mistakes that men make when they start dating after divorce. She discusses the fears that men have of women when they go out to meet potential or ideal mates. She discusses the error of stereotyping women and putting women on a pedestal as opposed to simply treating them with respect. She points out the difficulty dating after divorce and being creative when under stress and how that stress prevents men from improvising and remembering. This results in decision paralysis. She also discusses the danger associated with drinking and socializing.
Kezia discusses “approach anxiety” and some very effective methods of coping with that anxiety -specifically exposure therapy and desensitization as well as exercises she recommends to remedy those fears. She describes the “blow out game” and how it can radically build self-confidence by building the ability to own one’s rejection. Kezia redefines “snowballing” (don’t look that up-NSFW) which is a method of working the room by starting with the staff and employees (Kezia calls them “hired guns”) to get your conversational skills warmed-up.
Kezia acknowledges the difficulty inherent in the advice of “just be confident” and confessed frankly about her own battles with confidence.
The podcast explores on-line dating after divorce techniques and Kezzia offers some tips for improving their profile page by using emotional language and detail in the profile page.
Kezia also discusses the power of “negative attraction’ and the power of bonding over things that you dislike and the extreme danger of posting pictures of cats on your profile page. The podcast explores “mansplaining” and how it can kill an otherwise great conversation.

Dr. Jerald Young talk to the over divorce guys about coping skills

Dr. Jerald Young on Managing The Shock and Awe of Change

Tom and Adrian sit down with special guest author and professor and Change expert- Dr. Jerald Young. Dr. Young discusses the need to work through the entanglements of the post-divorce life and the shock and awe that comes from ending a marriage.  Dr. Young reminds us about the emotional attachments that need to be managed after the divorce is settled.

Dr. Young reflects on the social myths that get perpetuated by friends and family and the ability to overcome the the issues that we face in taking away the power of the fears and fantasies that prevent people from recovering from divorce. Acknowledging the stress and upset is the first step to

Dr. Young discusses his method of targeted talking- providing emotion-based words to enable people to identify their feelings and work through them and mitigate the anxiety through awareness and dissolving the resistance to change. He notes that resistance to change is 95% emotional and only 5% rational.

Dr. Young shares his own personal experience with divorce as well as his years of experience helping corporations manage change. He debunks the idea that a new relationship or spouse is the landmark of recovery.

This podcast explores the profound sense of loss that accompanies the end of the relationship and offers hope for those who believe everything has ended just because a marriage or long-term relationship has. He identifies the key cultural myths and bad advice that comes from people who have the best of intentions. and advocates for maintaining the same hopes and dreams one had before the marriage.

This Podcast is sponsored by Certified Divorce Coach  The free chapters available mentioned in the podcast are available here

In fact, Dr. Young points out that only the people change and that the dreams we have for  future can be maintained as well as the memories and offers practical advice for maintaining relationships with loved ones. What’s really lost is the context of our relationships-and avoid grieving things that aren’t lost and focus the grieving on things that are truly gone. He also discuss some ways to speed the divorce recovery process.

Adrian cites Anthony Greenback’s book Survival and what is really required to get through the toughest of times.

Divorce coaches offer great coping skills.

Common Mistakes with Randy Cooper– Over Divorce

Certified Divorce Coach founder Randy Cooper joins us in this episode of the Over Divorce podcast. Randy is author of a book and leading the charge for advocacy of divorce coaching.
Randy talks about the subject of his book -the six biggest mistakes people make when getting a divorce. Randy shares  insight into the benefits of having someone on your side who fills a different role than those of a therapist or attorney- helping you think creatively about ways to stay on task,and focused.  We discuss stories and share tips on a more healthy divorce and the way to get it. Insight into taxes IRAs and smarter ways of splitting up assets are reviewed. We discuss some of the pitfalls of leaning  too hard on your attorney and extending divorce proceedings longer than they need to go. Randy discusses the risks of “Throwing in the Towel” and not advocating in your own best interest -as your “best-self”.

View the podcast transcript here

Detectives and divorce

Private Investigators- The Over Divorce Podcast

Private Investigators are the subject of this installment of The Over Divorce Podcast with Adrian and Tom. The Hosts Interview the head of  California’s JR Investigations.

This podcast explores res the seamier side of human nature- the jealousy and suspicion that often arises during and after divorce. The Do’s and Don’ts and well as the limitations and capabilities of modern private investigators are explored.

State-of-mind is often the key that drives the investigations as opposed to gender or wealth. Most separated or divorced people don’t often realize that states rarely take into account marital fidelity as a factor in divorce decrees (it’s noted that it is a factor in religious annulments). PI’s often sell “peace of mind” about suspicions with respect to their partners.

JR shares that most investigations last about 2 weeks and that 90% of suspicions are confirmed. PI’s are particularly useful in child custody cases where an ex-spouse might be endangering a child by abusing alcohol or drugs or engaging in other illegal activities.

The criteria for evaluating a Private Investigator are discussed and the importance of defining success in the investigation as key in determining whether or not it’s worth it to hire a professional investigator.

JR shares his methodology and how digital communication has changed his work. He also discusses the dangers and risks of foreign brides and the sadly consistent story that often accompanies the practice of the “mail order bride”

We also learn about cellphone tracking and other methods of uncovering information including “pretexting“.

Ultimately many investigations are rooted in financial concerns. JR discusses how money drives the motivations behind the vast majority of the cases he works and the frivolity of many of the cases he works.

Some of the dangers that private investigators face are explored too.  It is easy for professional PI’s to get on the wrong side of a case if they don’t due the proper due diligence on their client prior to taking their case.  JR says PI’s risk participating in stalking if they don’t consider the relationship they are investigating.  Much like divorce settlements, rarely are clients happy with the findings of a private investigation.

How to cope with moving and divorce.

Moving And Memories The Over Divorce Podcast

Moving and memories are the topic of this episode of the Over Divorce podcast with Adrian and Tom.  The difficulties of packing up and moving are likely to be a major part of anyone’s divorce experience. Tom and Adrian discuss their own issues around moving and the memories associated with the location of their past house and the promise of a new location.

Tom discusses the role of memory and identity as described by Philip K. Dick In a number of movies and stories including Blade Runner, Total Recall, and Minority Report. Tom goes on to describe how Philip K Dick used the collection of memories to define the identity of characters-who they are and what they think of themselves. The hosts go on to reflect on possessions and their meaning relative to an individual’s identity. Adrian proposes (as seen in the film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) the possibility of erasing one’s memory completely as a means of getting over the pain and struggle of a divorce. Adrian points out how different kind of memories can put you in different moods as well as how different moods can pull out different memories. He goes on to share how he aggressively removed all the objects the reminded him of his ex to help manage the negative feelings those objects could manifest. The hosts continue to discuss the practicality of second and third marriages as a segue from the usefulness of keeping a collection of photos from the first wedding.
Kids are cited as a reason for taking divorce more seriously and intensely. The hosts discuss the having children and how that creates substantially more difficulty in getting along with your ex.

A transcript of the episode is available here

Divorce communication and how to communicate with your ex wife.

Communicating With Your Ex- The Over Divorce Podcast

Communicating with your ex is difficult.  In this episode of the OverDivorce podcast the hosts discuss alternatives to face-to-face confrontation.

Coming up with some ways to maintain your composure, and thinking of some tips and techniques to help you along the way is helpful.Email is a good way to make sure your words are chosen carefully. Sending that email immediately  is ill-advised, however. Getting that off on the right foot is crucial. For those who have children, it’s essential to remember that ex-spouses are part of your life for as long as you are a parent.  It’s easy to lose sight of that in the midst of a contentious divorce.

A healthy divorce recovery demands effective communications and often that simply means collecting, holding and managing your thoughts.

One tip explored by the hosts is  to remember not to send anything that you write at night. Waiting until the morning and reading it again is helpful to keep things in control.  Especially when you need to communicate your thoughts lucidly and with some serious forethought. You may write things at night but save them for the light of day when you have a clearer sense of your feelings. Approach all communications with sobriety, and a second mental framework to make sure that you are communicating what you intend.

The difficulties around social media are discussed including the pros and cons of blocking your ex as well as blocking them from your profile. Relationships with your children are discussed in podcast and the essential importance of leaving them out of the communication loop with your ex.  As tempting and easy as it is to use them to relay messages the hosts remind listeners that it is not their role to share messages or insight about the status of your ex.  Keep their participation in communications with your ex at a minimum.

A transcript of the podcast is available here

How to cope with your divorce and maintain your sanity.

Divorce Ups and Downs The Over Divorce Podcast

Divorce means change and that means ups and downs in mood and attitude. That’s the focus of this episode of the OverDivorce Podcast.

Tom and Adrian discuss the E-ticket ride that is the emotional roller coaster of divorce.  Being terribly sad , then happy, then sad again.  Adrian notes  that one of the hardest parts is thinking that you’re OK and thinking you’re over things. Then Out of nowhere something come up and sneak up on you and rip you back down to a new low point. Tom notes that being aware that moods pass helps get through it. The key is detaching from those moods and letting them pass.

Adrian then cites the importance of mediation as a means of maintaining an even mood. He goes on to say that what he’s learned about meditation would’ve helped him significantly over the past  few years.

Tom discusses the potential positive effects of using a rubber band as a means of reminding yourself when you’re ruminating or obsessively thinking thoughts that aren’t helpful or constructive.

Adrian details some of his experience with the rubber band technique and observes that it was actually quite helpful in mediating his mood.

Adrian and Tom sky the shortcomings of using chemicals to help distract you from thinking too much. The effects are short-lived and tend to make things worse in the long run. Tom shares some guilt about anxiety and worry being first world problems and Adrian discuss Maslow and how emotionally we can’t tell the difference.

Exercise and social engagement are discussed as more effective tools in the battle against excessive anxiety. Mind hacks as a means to begin engaging in either exercise or social activities are described- for example the method of just starting can be a big help  engaging the mind in a task that it was once was resistant to.

The hosts discussed the difficulty of getting started any kind of task when depressed. They discuss the e-book available on this website.  Its contents are described– specifically small things that you can do right away -in less than 60 seconds- to make your life a little happier, lighter and easier during a very difficult time.

The transcripts are available here

Confidence and divorce

Confidence – The Over Divorce Podcast

Confidence is explored further in this episode- extending on the subject covered in the previous Eric Von Sydow episode, Tom and Adrian discuss the need to find the confidence to regain the ability to accept risk.

The hosts discuss the connection of personal fitness and nutrition in the process of recovering confidence. Adrian discusses his enthusiasm for smoothies containing Kale and protein powder. Tom discusses an older anecdotal study of twins using different fitness regimes and the results they achieved.

Other Self-care methods and “controlling the controllables”are explored and discussed as is the pain associated with the loss of confidence and trust at the onset of a break-up.

Tom brings up the organizational tactic of Time Blocking and advocates for applying it to gain further control of one’s time as a means of improving confidence and paying one’s self first. Adrian discusses the benefits of having things scheduled and releasing himself from the internal dialogue of having to decide what to eat or do next. Leveraging routine Andrian continues is the key to developing healthy habits.

The discussion moves to shifting the internal critic to focus on what you are doing right as opposed to obsessing over what is going wrong.

Adrian goes further to discuss the advantages of Eastern Martial Arts as a means to boost confidence.  Combat and competition can help focus the mind and find key areas to improve physically as well as discipline to ease and quiet the mind.

The hosts discuss the advantages of Outward Bound  and how wilderness or survival training can do remarkable things for one’s confidence. Tom mentions Kezia Noble and her references to confidence as a critical factor when men are assessed by women as potential dating candidates.

The hosts discuss how important confidence is to dads with kids.  Confidence is critical in not allowing a danger power shift to occur between kids and their parents. If dad is viewed as lacking confidence and needing care, kids will be put at risk.

The transcript for this episode is available here

Hypnotica talks about confidence during divorce.

Hypnotica On Control, Power and Confidence-The Over Divorce Podcast

Control, power and confidence are discussed in this episode. Famed self-help guru Eric Von Sydow a.k.a. Hypontica joins the podcast. Tom and Adrian” pose questions about dating and figuring out when one is ready to date.

Eric has 20 years of diverse experience running strip clubs and helping people and relationships. He shares tips about “the Inner Game”, recovery from emotional trauma, and how he manages members of Seal teams when things get out of hand. “Chaos keeps you on your toes”.

Adrian and Eric discuss hypnosis and Hoʻoponopono. And how some of Eric’s earlier work helped Adrian transition out of marriage.

Eric also tells about being in an open relationship and breaking up with an ex-girlfriend. and discusses the value of going through pain and the importance of closure even in the context of low levels of communication.

Eric discusses the error of giving away your manhood and surrendering your power. He says it’s about leadership and surrendering the role of leader. Eric says women become resentful of having to take the lead.

Adrian reflects on the value of taking ownership of identity and Eric shares the power of owning the vision and the tragedy of surrendering the vision small piece by small piece. Eric challenges the listener around knowing where their identity is centered and how that gets tested.

Tom adds that the power in a relationship seems to be a function of proactivity vs. reactivity- that reactivity requires less effort and turns to boredom.

Eric makes a strong case for self-love driving the ability to form meaningful relationship and shares tips for self-actualization, including being the person you want to be first. A self audit becomes critical to self-development. He also shares some tips for taking responsibilities, for vision, and acknowledging where you are and leaving victimhood behind.

Eric promotes practical use of dating sites, advocates for a short rebound after divorce , and to be as social as possible as quickly as possible. He makes the point that there is more than one way to grieve.

Adrian notes that the hard choice and the right choice are often the same.

Eric reinforces the simplicity associated with choosing your path and owning the responsibility of your choices as opposed to being locked-in by fear of the unknown or fear of social rejection. Eric discusses methods of confronting fears in order to break out of personal ruts.

Everyone discusses the meanings and distinctions of good and bad stress. and Eric confirms the importance of one’s own opinion of themselves relative to the opinion of others. He also discusses the limits of effort and the importance of systems to assessing efforts put forward to a given outcome.

Brain-hacks and other efforts are discussed in order to take ownership of goals to optimize personal systems.

A transcript is available here.

Podcast about finding new love after your divorce.

New Love The Over Divorce Podcast

Finding new love is the topic of the 11th episode of The OverDivorce podcast.

Tom and Adrian begin the podcast by discussing the concerns about finding the courage to trust, and the irrational concerns around being worthy of finding love after divorce.

Adrian discusses the futility of finding validation from outside and then discovering that validation comes from inside. Tom identifies the Morrissey Jay-Z conundrum.

Adrian continues by identifying the male need to go after and hunt and the benefits of abstinence immediately after divorce.  Tom asks how one knows the new relationship is not a rebound. Adrian shares how he created a list of what was important in a new partner to make sure the new partner was genuinely Ms. Right and not Ms. Right Now. Tom shares the value of taking stock over past relationships to find out what works and what doesn’t.

Tom discusses the biology of change, and the sociology of divorce in the current day and the ability of women to choose separation.

Adrian discusses the perpetuation of family patterns and their role in defining behavior. He goes further to define the value of the divorce and it’s ability to offer one time to reflect on areas of improvement. Tom extends the point by discussing the default nature of behavior-that with the lack of conscious decision people often default to observed behaviors regardless of their effectiveness.

Adrian discusses the importance of time in assessing the rightness of a new relationship. Tom cites the old wisdom that fools rush in where angels fear to tread

A transcript of the podcast is available here

Podcast about hope and change during your divorce.

Hope and Change The Over Divorce Podcast Episode 10

Hope and Change-
Tom and Adrian discuss the timelines on their personal divorce journeys. Adrian shares both how difficult his journey was and and when the difficulty ended. but remembers that it took what is typically an 18 month period.

Adrian notes the importance of finding things he enjoys and connecting with his children and family. He shares that using the divorce event wisely can help build a better life.

Tom asks about the signs one can look for early on in the divorce event to know that things are going to be ok and notes friendships as being key to that. Adrian adds that it was hard for him to find anything early on but his ability to change his perspective was an early key indicator that things were going to improve. Also that so many guys who have been through what you are going through. Behavioral changes are clear indicators that one has control of their situations.

Adrian points out that Conscious choice and control over those choices builds confidence and that in-turn will confirm that you can have a better live and the value you bring.

Adrian and Tom point out the value of volunteering in helping to re-define your personality. And Adrian reminds us of the power of time to heal all wounds.

Tom reflects on what a powerful relief the resolution of his divorce agreement. and that research shows talking about painful events decrease their trauma

Adrian re-shares his tip about finding a restaurant to become a regular at in order to get to know new people. Tom references James Altucher and his 2 dollar bill tip

A transcript for the podcast can be found here.

A Over Divorce podcast on the importance of forgiveness.

Forgiveness The Over Divorce Podcast Episode 9

“To be wronged is nothing, unless you continue to remember it.” – Confucius

Adrian and Tom share the difficulty of forgiveness and tom shares his thought about the “grudge gene”. and Adrian distinguishes between forgiving and forgetting. He shares his experience is going down the path of forgiveness.

Tom shares his difficulties finding forgiveness and offering it an ex who hasn’t sought it.

Adrian expresses his belief that acknowledgment of having done something wrong in order to gain the benefits of forgiveness. He points out that the anger that comes for a difference of perspective or goals isn’t necessarily a wrong- but may require forgiveness anyway as a means or method of moving on.

Tom asks if acceptance and forgiveness are the same thing. Adrian advocates for an intellectual and emotional acceptance. Tom reflects on the meaning and pain of nostalgia. Adrian reminds us that the surrender of anger as being the first sign that you are moving on. Tom identifies grace as providing the clarity of moving on.

Adrian tells of looking for results form forgiveness and trying to find a process for forgiveness. Tom asks if one is looking to forgive oneself through these efforts. Adrian and Tom discuss the loop that occurs from not being able to forgive yourself for transgressions against others and the ability to stop repeating the same self-damaging mistakes and taking responsibility for your own mistakes to get closure.

Tom Discusses “backsliding” and the importance forgiving oneself in order to recover and get back on the right path. He reflects on episode 8 and how obsessing over the past prevents moving on. Tom also discusses the value of using presence to get yourself out of your own head.

Adrian reflects on the importance of being aware of his own emotional state and using that as a means embracing how ephemeral those emotional states really are and how they pass.

Tom tells a story of caring for his child and understanding how truly ephemeral emotional episodes really last and how that can help to see the end of it and looking for cues that help you come out of a tough spot. He also shares data regarding smiling scheduling a trip as a means of changing your mood  just one of the 60 tips available in the free e-book on over divorce.com

A transcript can be found here.