How to utilize friends and family to help you cope with divorce.

Friends and Family- The Over Divorce Podcast

Tom tells about his concern regarding losing friends in his divorce and discovering that his friends were still there for him. Adrian discusses how his family supported him and how he looked to his friends on a daily basis.

Tom discusses the pack mentality associated with less-close friends and how some treated him as diseased. He reflects on the point that people don’t think as much about someone else’s divorce as they do their own life.

Adrian discusses the difficulty for men to reach out to their friends and the difficulty men have venting or being patient with someone else’s venting. Tom cites Author John Gray’s  thesis that men don’t listen to aide venting, they listen to try and solve problems.

Tom shares a story of travel strictly for the benefit of interacting with friends. and Adrian shares the dangers of toxic friends and toxic families- those who aggressively judge your behavior and situation. Adrian and Tom also point out that most relationships have both healing and toxic properties.

Tom shares the revolution of trust that comes from sharing the facts of his separation and the truth of the wisdom that you get out of a relationship what you put into it.

Adrian recalls his worry that vocalizing that a relationship is in crisis makes that crisis real. He also reflects on the difficulties presented by the retelling of the banal facts of his divorce bringing back a lot of the original pain of the separation. Tom and Adrian reveal the problem of therapy and its contribution to making divorce seem more inevitable. Adrian share the value of the support that comes from sharing the reality of the divorce with his mom and other members of his family.

Tom points out that friends will support you and remind you that they do, in fact, care about you regardless of what has happened to you.

Adrian reminds the listener that divorce gives you the opportunity to rebuild an identity one more authentic to who you are.

Tom reinforces the the idea that many aspects of the identity that had been suppressed in order to be part of a team may reemerge and the healing that comes after the tearing apart of the old relationship.

Adrian discusses the pleasant and unpleasant surprises that accompany reaching out to friends and family.

Tom discusses the dangers of getting “fixed-up” and Adrian talks shares a story of how people were trying to help him become his old self.

A transcript of this podcast is available here.

How to talk to your kids about divorce and help them cope with it.

Kids -The Over Divorce Podcast

Tom begins the podcast reminding the listener that the welfare of the children is paramount to the state and anyone involved in the dispensation of the assets and the fiscal responsibilities of the divorcing parents.

Adrian shares that in his divorce he and his ex broke up their marriage in phases- and that they were both on the same page in terms.

Tom reflects on the urge to engage children in the communication process and the problems that causes. Adrian reinforces the difficulties in using children as mediators and how it can cause kids to manipulate the situation to their benefit. Adrian continues by reminding the listener about the problem of leaning on your kids for emotional support.

Tom reflects on “manning up” and presenting a stiff upper lip and not allowing the hurt of your break-up to effect the relationship and maintaining continuity.

Adrian reminds the listener that kids will use parental reactions as guides for their own behavior and how they might probe for weakness in discipline and consistency. And discusses examples of how his kids try to use the break-up as a means to get toys and other things that they want.

Tom references Jim Smoke’s Growing Through Divorce’s “Disneyland Dad” and reinforces the critical value of ritual and routine.

Tom and Adrian discuss the value of communicating through email and re-enforce kids inability to support their parents’ emotional well-being.

Tom closes with the importance of separating emotional responses from your children and keeping a positive attitude about your relationships with them-regardless of your emotional state relative to your ex.

Transcript of the podcast is available here

Attorneys and divorce advice

An Attorney Walks Into a Podcast- The Over Divorce Podcast

Tom and Adrian sit with Atlanta family law attorney Louis Tesser.

Louis decries the different types of clients and cases he deals with. He then walks us through the “typical divorce” though Louis makes clear that no divorce is typical. It starts with “being served” then information is exchanged form a simple financial statements to interrogatories and depositions. Louis discusses “the scandal of family law” is that it is very expensive. Most people trust the info they get. Louis reinforces that middle class people’s finances aren’t that complicated. W-2’s create more transparency that can make divorce more simple.

Tom reinforces the idea that interrogatory process is torturous.

The group discuss private investigators. Louis contends that P.I.’s are often honest dispute the tendency to distrust. Louis also points out that many behaviors are not as black and white as they might appear. In Georgia, for example adultery doesn’t mean that one who is cheated on does not

Adrian observes that even in a “Matlock case” Private Investigators are rarely helpful and Louis suggests that while that may be true, in cases of alcoholism or drug abuse the use of private investigators to uncover behavior dangerous to children may be essential as people with drug and alcohol problems are skilled at hiding their bad behavior

Louis discusses the jury trial divorce that exists in Georgia, even though almost all other stated adjudicate solely through judges.

Louis explains the typical process for mediation and describes what makes a good mediator. Louis describes the value of certainty, and warned about “fights you don’t need to have”. Louis reminds prospective divorcees that rarely do thing turn out the way one expects regardless of what is known

Tom and louis discuss the apparent ‘capriciousness” of court decisions. Louis rebuts that capricious is a bad term as it implies fancy and whim and that judges do have the best interests of all involved.

Louis reminds the listener that moral judgements are rarely at the core of judges decisions and that practicality typically drives decisions in marital law.

Tom draws a distinction between the divorcing parties being obsessed with the past while judges, juries, mediators, and other officials of the State shared with settling these matters are more concerned with looking forward.

Adrian quips about judicial corruption. Louis points out that in his experience corruption is very rare. he does acknowledge that, in rural areas, support for judicial campaigns may have an effect on outcomes but is unlikely to swing decisions,

Louis suggests that court experience is a good yard stick of experience for selecting representation. He also suggest avoiding excessive litigation and to match your needs to your situation

Louis reminds the litterer that your privileges as a married person are going away. The key is not to extend things out. Louis reminds the listeners to be reasonable in the face of very emotional elements. Adrian points out that emotions become chess pieces in negotiations.

Louis closes with the observation that pretty much everyone goes into marriage honestly and that rebound relationships are very risky. Tom proffers a litmus test where a new partner might be assessed by the amount of drama they bring to the divorce.

A transcript for this podcast is available here